Neither Dead, Nor Sleeping

Hey, it’s your friendly neighbourhood Potato Witch; welcome back to the show.

It’s been… a while. I don’t blame anyone for wondering or not wondering about where I was. That’s part of the ephemeral nature of the Internet. Circumstances change, people come and go, and while I hate the sentiment, it’s true in a sense that for many of the people we know, our interactions are limited to words on a screen. You might not even realise the words have gone.

But these words are back. I’m back.

Back when I dropped off the face of the Internet, I was struggling. I had a falling out with some family members that really hurt me. One of my cats had been increasingly ill for a long time, and she was nearing the end, and between that and the usual everyday struggle of being a disabled potato, I couldn’t cope. Something had to give, and that something was this. I had to back away. I couldn’t handle people, not their expectations, not their questions, not their anything.

Not exactly kind to you all, but it’s true. I’ve always had an avoidant personality. When times get hard, my reaction is to walk away, and when I’m ready, not to go back but to build myself up from scratch. Throw away the past, positives and negatives, and try again. Maybe this time will be better. Maybe this me will be better.

The funny thing about that is that every time I do this (for I have done it plenty of times in the past), my new idealised I-wish-I-was-this-person persona that I concoct? Eventually, they just become me again anyway. I don’t change. For better or worse.

So why throw out everything I’ve already done? Why treat it like it’s trash, when it came from my hard work?

So here I am. Returning to the self I left behind when life, once again, got too much to handle.

Sadly, the ill cat, Mim, passed away. She was old, she had kidney disease and thyroid disease, and she was ready to go. It was heart-wrenching, but she took care of us wonderfully while she was alive, and she earned her rest. I miss her every day. She was never the brightest, but she made up for it by having a big heart.

Not too long after that, Mim’s son, Natsu, was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully it’s being managed well with some light chemotherapy and steroids (*touch wood*). He’s doing well. He enjoys getting extra food (keeps him from losing weight), because he’s less of a cat and more of a greedy little tyrant.

Same difference? Yeah, same difference.

It was scary to come back to this public history of myself. I’ve fucked up. I’ve made mistakes. I got multiple review copies of games that I just haven’t reviewed, and I was afraid that would screw up my chances to get anywhere within this industry. But when it comes to it… who cares? I didn’t start this blog because I wanted to be some hot-shot reviewer whom everyone loved and respected. I just wanted to talk about games. If my screw-ups result in me being blacklisted from future benefits (because review codes are a delightful benefit that some people get to experience if they work hard enough and get lucky enough), then okay. I have plenty of games on my backlog to talk about. I always will. That changes nothing.

Thanks for being patient, even if you didn’t know you were being patient. Thanks for understanding, even if you don’t get why I vanished. Thank you for giving me another chance, even if I’m actually on my third or fourth chance. I’m trying. I’m a work in progress. I suck. We all suck sometimes.

But I’m working on it.

Now let’s go play some video games.